Looking into the mirror

March 2, 2009 at 12:05 am (Emotions) (, )

Every time I look into the mirror I dislike what I see a little more each time.  I only have one mirror in my house and it’s in the bathroom.  I don’t look in it very often and I honest wish I could cover it forever.  When I’m at the Y I choose the treadmill that isn’t in front of the mirrors and if it’s occupied I do my best not to look.

I’m not really sure when I started hating mirrors but I’ve never been very confident in myself.  I don’t feel beautiful or sexy.  I can’t seem to figure it all out.  When I do look into a mirror I want to look away.   Where is my neck?  Why do I have hair on my face?  Why does my smile always look fake?


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February 25, 2009 at 8:37 pm (Emotions) (, , )

J and I have been finding nails in the living room on the carpet.  It’s so odd because I’ve vacuumned in there twice since we’ve had work done to the house.  I asked a very knowledgable friend about it and she thinks that the message we’re supposed to get out of it is that we need to work on getting the house and our marriage back on the right track.  Making the living room a positive place for us to be and to be able to work on what makes our relationship thrive.  It makes so much sense to me.  We are at a crossroads and this is the perfect omen or message for us.  We have the tools or we are going to be presented with the tools to make everything more positive.  This will not only make J and I a happier couple but it will trickle down and make C a happier baby!

Thanks girlie.  I know you know who you are!

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Nothing new going on…

February 16, 2009 at 10:11 pm (Emotions, Health Care) (, )

I had to cancel my appt with the rheumatologist.  They want no less than $150 down front.  We don’t have it.  I go tomorrow back to the clinic.  We’ll see how that goes.

I had a very rough time today for a little while.  Off the deep end if you will.  It seems like everyday is harder than that last.  I hope it gets better soon.

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Yesterday: Tax Woes and Health Care

February 5, 2009 at 2:54 pm (Emotions, Finances, Health Care) (, , , )

Tax Woes

We went to HR block yesterday so that we could find out what the cluster fuck is of our taxes. I’ll make a long story short. We’re getting screwed by the govt.  Our HR block representative is an old family friend.  So if we could file a normal return we would get back $4400 federal and $450 state.  Our real life refund? $958 federal (possibly $300 more) $0 state.  The HR Block fee $282 (which has to be paid up front)  We obviously can’t afford that, so she’s going to see if she can get tax cuts to let us e-file the way we need to. If so, then we are going to spend $60 for a copy and she’s going to come to our home and file for us.  If tax cuts won’t let us file the way we need to, then we’re going to file by hand and hope for the best.  I’m beyond crushed, and I even had to walk out of the office today so that I didn’t blow my lid. I was crying when I came back. She felt so bad because there isn’t much more she can do for us. It’s so unfair that I gave birth to a child and can’t get the EIC that should be mine. Instead, his ex wife gets it. The refund I will get is actually the child tax credit NOT the EIC.

Health Care

I called my doc office to check on my referral for a rheumatoid specialist and they hadn’t even started trying to get me one.  I’m so damn scared that I’ve got some horrible disease and they don’t even care enough to put the damn paper on the outside of the chart. To make matters worse, KDMC, the local hosiptal that takes care of my medical bills, doesn’t have a rheumatoid specialist on staff.   I have no idea what is going to happen to me.  I’m scared outta my mind and angry that they didn’t care enough about me as a patient to set up my appt on time.

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Morning Glories Among the Peas: James Seddon

February 3, 2009 at 11:58 pm (Books, Emotions) (, , , , , )

Wow. Just wow. I read this in one sitting. I simply couldn’t put it down. It’s a Non Fiction about a man and his experience in Vietnam during the war. Every emotion is present and I cried. I wanted to throw up in some parts. It’s a bit graphic but it was a graphic war. There is so much pain and guilt. And it really parallels the war going on now. It reaffirmed to me that we have no use being in Iraq and all we’re doing is messing up our boys, our men, our fathers, our brothers, our uncles, our nephews.

God? Who exactly is God and if He is real why would he let things like that happen to his people? There are some amazing quotes about ‘Truth’ and how God is ‘truth’.

Life does not stop in America just because we are at war. Those men, and now women, have their lives turned upside down and we just go on about our business. And we, for the most part, expect them to come home and just go about their business. We don’t think or understand of the things that haunt them. Day and night.

I do know this… the next time I see a Vet I will thank them for their service because most likely they have had to sacrifice most of themselves for us.

I can’t say I hate the war, because I have not been there. Only a solider can say they hate the war, and truly understand what they are hating.

I suggest this book for EVERYONE just so they can get the inside look of how the war affects someone who has seen it first hand. This has been a very enlightening, eye opening experience and I hope to never forget how I feel right now.

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